Being Misunderstood

We have had this conversation many times and every time we’ve had them, our son's constant refrain would be, “It will happen when it happens. I don’t want a constant reminder. Thank you.” To which, I’d say, “Okay, note taken.”

Being misunderstood is lonely and frustrating. It is hard to talk to someone when it feels like most of what you say gets lost in translation.

At times, we can be misunderstood when we don’t speak clearly. Speaking clearly and speaking loudly are not the same thing. Speaking clearly means you say what you mean and use appropriate emotions to emphasize your message.

For example, if you are fed up with your job, you communicate this fact to your spouse. A few weeks later your spouse tells you that your job is stressful and perhaps you should start looking for another one. To this you retort, “I am fine for now. I don’t want to look for another job.” In a few weeks, you express your job frustrations again. Your spouse doesn’t comment. Why? Well, it could be that your spouse knows by now you are just venting. So, you become frustrated because all you wanted was for your spouse to be supportive of your job experience.

Being misunderstood happens to the best of us. That is why when we communicate, we should be mindful of ensuring what we say is what we mean, and we use appropriate emotions to convey our message. Otherwise, we could be sending mixed messages to people. This can lead to misunderstandings and conflict.

A few years ago, I was sharing with one of our twins that his dad and I are eagerly expecting to grow our family from him and his brothers’ new wives. We have had this conversation many times and every time we’ve had them, our son's constant refrain would be, “It will happen when it happens. I don’t want a constant reminder. Thank you.” To which, I’d say, “Okay, note taken.” I remembered my commitment, but this particular chat was so engaging, it felt natural for me to insert how happy his dad and I would be when he gets married. Sadly, for me, he didn’t forget my commitment. He said, “I thought we already talked about this issue,” referring to my previous commitment. I sensed it immediately. He was frustrated. He felt misunderstood and disrespected.

This example shows how we can cause people unnecessary frustration when we do not keep our word. This too results in feeling misunderstood.

Good, clear communication is a two-way street. The communicator should be clear to articulate what is on his/her mind, verify if the message is understandable, and confirm any expectations upon which both people agree or disagree.

Good communication won’t help, however, when someone is committed to misunderstanding us no matter what we say or how we say it. It will be interpreted negatively. This is a glaring red flag that something more severe has already taken place in the relationship that needs to be addressed.

When people decide our perspective isn’t relevant, there is no convincing that can be done because they are not going to listen. Instead of using the conversation to find a middle ground or share expectations, they are using it to prove us wrong.

In these instances, it is important to not be swept away in emotion. We want to be conscious of what is happening, but we don’t want to be swept away by it. The undercurrent is mostly like factors that have already taken root in the relationship. For example, we might have presented ourselves in an incredible way, or the person might be engaged in a covert agenda that has hindered him/her from sharing our thoughts and feelings. So they have shut us down in their mind.

Part of maturing emotionally is understanding that we can’t change or control how people behave. We must take ownership of our behavior and messaging.

If someone is committed to misunderstanding us, it is likely they are gaining something from that perspective. It might be pride, pure selfishness, or wanting to control the narrative. By feeding into this and continuing to try to get them to hear us, we give them more control. We must keep our peace. We must save our energy for people who care about us and are not intent on holding their own personal narrative.